Current mood: trying not to swear so much, thanks Mom!
I have a song in my head, too. I'm making it up. It goes, "bad mom! gosh golly your a shitty mom". It's kind of sing-songy. Undertimes of stress, my mental soundtrack flips to sort of a deranged musical, kind of a 'seven brides for seven brothers' on acid sort of feel. This for sure a time of stress.
"Ew!Gross! Dad, Julian is drooling all over the place, it's disgusting, what's the matter with him?" Magnolia is sitting next to our little Droolian in the back seat seriously creeped out by the chipper little slime machine. We had to pull her out of school a little early today.
We pull up to a stoplight and a shaking husband looks over at me, "Let's see that x-ray again."
It's not one of the things that you would ever think that you see. Or that you would want to see, but sure as the pope poops in the woods there it was.
The Dr. came in after x-rays were taken, he looked at me a little funny, then paused and then....." Do you have any coins in you house bigger than a quarter?"
Julian has always had a funny kind of appetite. Dog hair, polar fleece, string, etc..That was about the extent of it until he turned one, then his diapers started to get interesting. It was like Christmas's dirty little present you weren't looking forward to opening. But to aviod being repetitive, I'll stop talking about Julians biz.
As we rushed Jules from the urgent care to the ER, quite a few emotions were experienced and all at the same time. We were giggling because we couldn't f-ing believe it, dazed because we were lucky, scared, because an endoscopy is simple, yet scary. And if you were just quiet enough, you could hear the hauntingly soft sound of jingling change with every step he took.
In the end, it really only took about five minutes to take the quarter out, and within an hour he was awake and fully pissed off due to the fact he was tethered to IV's and EKG monitors, and the really expensive machine that goes 'bing'. He was the kid screaming at the hospital. I should have been more sympathetic, but I was still in awe that he could have actually gotten that thing down his gullet. I can see him in the Jim Rose freak show. The kid that swallows foreign objects.
The one little joy that I had at the Hospital was seeing Jules in this itty bitty hospital gown, running down the hall with his ass hanging out as he raced his own IV stand. It just was the cutest thing ever.
The next good sign that he was recooperating was his appetite. Within two hours after he was out of surgery, he had had 5 popsicles, 4 puddings and 12 bags of graham crackers. And was still "so hungry!"
His flair for the drama has yet to leave and ever since the ordeal, he has to eat every thirty seconds. He can now eat his weight in pizza and crayons.
Now a normal child would have been quickly weaned from their PICA-esque tendencies after the first time they figure that the nutritional value of quarters, or say, paint chips, was not what the need and expereinced adverse reactions. But not Jules. Not two days later, on my hubby's watch he was caught mumbling. Upon further investigation we found not a quarter, but three pennies and a magnet. He's a stinking vaccuum. Maybe he'll shit out a copay sometime soon.
What an expensive little bastard (and by bastard, I mean sweet little angel). I'm thinking that I'm going to put his quarter on E-bay with the starting bid at $10,000.00. Hey, there was an Aussey woman who got $300.00 dollars for her soon to be ex-hubby's lovers grundies and condom wrapper. I'm thinking the story is worth it.
But as the Doctors (we had three, but there were probably about ten others that came in to see the cute, squishy piggy bank) said, "You are not alone as the only negligent parents in the area, this is my seventh foreign object extraction this week!". This was on a Wednesday.
The Doctors still couldn't help but laugh and the seredipitous situations. Like the perverted plumber right next to us in the ER that found the problem with the pea traps is that they look really funny in a pair of pants.
It's taken me about three weeks to finish writing this because I have to keep two eyes on that little guy, he's to busy and mischeivious with an insatiable appetite.Speaking of which, I wonder why he's burping bubbles......
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