Life as a Marvel (a momic)

Look there! In the shrubs! Is it a bear? Is it a sloth? NO! It's the Renegade Gardener! Here to battle the tyranny of the Axis of Eden! She could find a lost shoe in an acre of scrub in twenty-five minutes flat. Diligent and industrious, there was nothing that would get in her way. No unwanted plant could hold up to the power of her pruners.

But she hadn't always been a vicious killer. A once a young and naïve mother, Wren Alexander found herself on a wonderful day at her quaint abode as she practiced her domesticity. When it happened. Her loving little children were attacked by rogue blackberry vines, wrapping their noxious, thorny appendages around their ankles, pulling them deeper into the scrub like quicksand. Desperate to save her children the domestic damsel heaved them from the clutches of pain and fruit. The poor children suffered, but that damsel, she got mad. A vendetta was born. As was the Renegade Gardener.

Today, we find the Renegade Gardener in the throws of a mighty battle between herself, a crafty and resourceful woman, and the omnipresent Grape Vinula, who over the past ten years has been growing and gaining ground as well as weed power undetected to the negligent eye of it's cohabitants. But now the bold and bitchy Renegade Gardener is here to stake her claim and increase the peace, (not to mention the aesthetic harmony) in her new surroundings. As our hero attempts a huge sweep out of Grape Vinula's devious weed cronies, yet another nemesis enters the fray. The diabolical Dr. Bane Whinenstein.

The product of a loving family, he was raised in a caring and nurturing environment, until when at the tender age of two while he was watching a riveting episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, he fell to temptation and swallowed the vicious "Quarter of Chaos". Though the extraction proved successful, the poison had already infiltrated his mind, and his soul, (or rather, stomach). Emotional havoc washed over him and drove him to insanity. The only solace he found was in eating every two seconds and having live entertainment involving punching, kicking and biting those whom loved him the most.

Then Wren heard him approach, though it wasn't hard, as the sinister Doctor was known for his screeches that could pierce even the strongest of armor. It shook the warrior down to her soul. Fortunately, she was prepared for such an attack and paused from her melee with the undergrowth and fired an opened granola bar in a coup d'essai to quell the siren.

"Damn" she grunted. This was no time for her tricks to backfire. Her Achilles heel. Her Bane. She was so close to breaking through the seige of the wicked Grape Vinula and his stooges. She had made such bold steps forward. Now was not the time for a counter strike. The screams started to escalate. She could feel the very marrow of her bones start to quake, unsure that it would stand the test of pressure. Immense pressure.

The force was too great. A final attempt to quash all pain in her head the Renegade Gardener changed tactics; fighting fire with fire. She lunged, outreaching her muscular and well trained hands and grasped all she could amidst the mass of foliage. With ninja precision Wren took a ripe plump orb and with errorless skill, she freed the fruit and, with a flick of the wrist, deftly tossed it into the ruptured screaming orifice of the affected Bane.

He paused for a moment, allowing our paladin to gain a bit of composure. But it was all in vain. With a eye of contempt, he spat out the remains of Wrens hope and belted out his final blow. Blasted with the Doctors final assault, she knew the only thing to do was to live to fight another day. Retreating from the Warfield, the downtrodden warrior was captured by Bane and sentenced to a healthy lunch and an episode of Dora. As she writhed in her shackles, Wren looked back at her foe smiling tendrils of new growth, a battle yet to be won.

"I will become victorious! You will fall!" She yelled, but all in vain as her captor tugged at her t-shirt and led her to the dungeonesque kitchen for an evil, yet satisfying and healthful meal.